CAN'T THEY SEE IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD?

2010-05-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

picking bugbite scabs and bleeding pretty bad.
i just let it get all over the cuffs of my pants.

2010-05-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

oh terry

2010-03-06T10:26:00.000-08:00

2010-03-05T11:08:00.000-08:00

2010-02-10T10:12:00.000-08:00

2010-01-25T05:19:00.000-08:00

It may have been a forced stumble, by some other hand
near to me.
But nonetheless, I felt the mutual healing reconfiguring our health.

2009-12-30T11:59:00.001-08:00

getting closer

2009-12-28T14:06:00.000-08:00

hi

2009-12-25T07:58:00.001-08:00

2009-12-24T05:54:00.000-08:00

I watched the moon burn up last night,
And a tidal wave came when we were all at the show,
I hate to say that I wasn't screaming or scared.
But I wasn't.
I let go of the car I was holding onto and the wind
or something like it took me down the hill and let me off
slowly and gently back on the solid ground.

2009-12-20T17:48:00.000-08:00

I am listening to the couple who lives next door fight.
The husband just said, "If you don't shut up you're gonna be dead."
They have two kids.
I don't know. We're all fucked.
I think I used to be a lot worse of a person.
Now I just feel sorry for myself. And that's just as bad.
But I don't have to.

2009-12-20T16:56:00.001-08:00

Grace will be simple about it.

5:12 PM Saturday December 19, 2009

2009-12-19T14:12:00.000-08:00

2009-12-19T10:31:00.000-08:00

I'm sick. I feel very weak. I keep looking out the window at the snow, and the brightness makes me dizzy. I can't eat anything. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm too tired to be sad right now.

This is the winter.

2009-12-18T15:04:00.000-08:00

There is a Douglas Fir growing
underneath the water tower in Monesson.

I can't be sure, for it is rather far away,
But the top of the tree seems to be touching
the base of the tank.

Maybe there is a foot or two of space in between.

2009-12-16T08:33:00.000-08:00

Like your mother in the church, with her black stockings and her brown heels and her white dress. You knew, even then, how to be embarrassed.
I walked down the road with you, for miles we went, and it was so cold
and you told me what you told me. How when you were little...
When you were only...
When things were better than they are now.

There is too much to show you now. I hold many boxes at once. Like Annie Profit, though, nothing in there is mine. I fell off and forgot.

I said,"come inside." Careless. Breathing.

Big pieces have broken off. Ice that had hit you in the face.

People talk to me. With smiles.

It is still nothing like you walking towards me.

True Love. A short Film by Emily Volkar and Kimberly Diamond. Thank you to SNES.

2009-12-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

i'm losing

2009-12-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

2009-12-10T18:05:00.000-08:00

"Oh, it's okay."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"You're lying."
"I am. But what difference does it make?"
"None, I guess."
"Right. Then see ya later I guess."
"No."
"What else?"
"I love you."
"I don't know what that means."
"Neither do I."
"Okay. Well. Why did you say it?"
"Because it's true."
"It doesn't matter."
"Okaygoodbye."

2009-12-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

a dream

2009-12-04T00:04:00.000-08:00

must write this down before i forget.

he was having a party at his house. i was not invited. she was invited. i think that's why i wasn't invited. everyone was there. there was a keg. everyone was singing and dancing around. he saw me. i wouldn't talk to him. practically refused to. he left.
i finally walked into the room where everyone was. girl was very annoying. she kept staring at me. she was talking really loud. at one point she was looking at me and talking really loud so i just stared her right in the eyes and shouted "shut up."
with a lot of emphasis on the shhhhhhhh part. she didn't get it. i felt bad a little.
then she came over and sat next to me and started asking me questions. i was polite. everyone else left the room except for me and her and him. finally i got up and just left.

i must be crazy. i hear ritz snoring underneath my bed.

i think this is all very good for me. gettin the crazy out. movin on.

It's the season

2009-12-03T09:26:00.000-08:00

The man across the road; arms crossed,
with his mind occupying nothing.
The snow starts. Last evening it was there,
but you were not awake to look out the
front window.

You saw him, though, last year. Waiting.
You thought of your own lost ones,
always lost. It was never there.

You walk to the front door, forgetting your hat and mittens.
It's cold. You walk toward the man, and stop
at your side of the street.

"Hello young man."
"Hello."
"It took you a long time."
"Only a year."
"You forgot."
"I did not."

That's right. You never forgot.
You held yourself at night and kept away.
Cause why would you ever want it blown open?
Cross winds occur nightly now, and the snow
tells you so.
You still don't know which way to go.

You see their smiles in your sleep
and try to dream of other things
but the warming keeps you paralyzed
there is nothing you can do,
you already let it go.

Next winter the man will be there, too. Waiting.

venetia, pa

2009-12-02T03:28:00.000-08:00

Still awake. Gonna have a cigarette in my room. I gotta get outta here. Quick.

2009-11-26T19:45:00.001-08:00

day four without a cigarette. I feel okay. I thought about it a couple times today. But yesterday was pretty bad. I was super moody. MOODY.

I just finished Heather and Allison's birthday present. And I made something for Kel just because. I feel pretty good. About things in general (i think.)

Today my family kept asking me where I'm going to work. I kept telling them "I don't know."

I don't know.

2009-11-25T02:49:00.000-08:00

fuck it

2009-11-25T02:12:00.000-08:00

Today all day without cigarettes. Tomorrow will be the same. Not by choice. I'm doing.

Knulp was great. Kelly read it so long ago. Not that long ago, but I feel that things
were very different then. I think I moved into her room right after she finished reading it. Here is an excerpt. I believe it might be Kelly's (for there was a feather near it) and maybe my favorite:

Knulp said: "Every human being has his soul, he can't mix it with any other. Two people can meet, they can talk with one another, they can be close together. But their souls are like flowers, each rooted to its place. One can't go to another, because it would have to break away from its roots, and that it can't do. Flowers send out their scent and their seeds, because they would like to go to each other; but a flower can't do anything to make a seed go to its right place; the wind does that, and the wind comes and goes where it pleases."

I finished this book very quickly. It's a short book, but I grew very accustomed to the language and presentation of this book immediately. It is almost five thirty in the morning. Knulp was a man who traveled his whole life. He fell in love at age 14 and she broke his heart. He assumed that he would never be in love like that again, and protested that he was not to God, nearing the end of his life. God said, "But you loved Lisabeth, and Henrietta, did you not?" God also reminds him of other joys in his life, where he felt it in every bone of his body. Knulp laughs and says, "Yes I suppose you're right" He understands that life would be quite different if even a day of it had been missing.

This makes me think of days I've been having at home, how empty I feel. This strange loneliness that reaches me only when I think of those I'm not around any longer.

You want to be better at living. To feel more of what you want to feel. You can't allow myself to be a pin cushion. My bangs are getting longer, and my legs look it when I sit indian style. One talks of hurt, and how she wishes not to hurt her lover, but she does every single day. All the time, it hurts.
I suppose I'll lock her heart in a dark room, with her inside as well.
Let her miss the days and the easiness of breathing.
Make her regret the carelessness. less ness less ness less ness ness.

Many things were tried today. I hold secrets like small candles. Nobody knows.
I am happy for this. I am happy that I still live life trusting everything and nothing all the time.
I amount to nothing. You hold piles of gold string in my dreams; hold them up to my face and show me how I can't touch it. Tell me why: because you feel too much. You're not real enough(fakeenough)to see things as they are.
"There's no fucking magic. Get the fuck over it."

Get over it. Hmmph. Umm. mmmm. I'd rather be consumed then left alone entirely.

to love without ever knowing

2009-11-24T07:47:00.000-08:00

Had a dream I did horrible things last night. I lied about them.

I watched a movie last night. Here is a monologue from it:

Everything is more complicated than
you think. You only see a tenth of
what is true. There are a million
little strings attached to every
choice you make; you can destroy
your life every time you choose.
But maybe you won't know for twenty
years. And you'll never ever trace
it to its source. And you only get
one chance to play it out. Just try
and figure out your own divorce.
And they say there is no fate, but
there is: it's what you create.
Even though the world goes on for
eons and eons, you are here for a
fraction of a fraction of a second.
Most of your time is spent being
dead or not yet born. But while
alive, you wait in vain, wasting
years, for a phone call or a letter
or a look from someone or something
to make it all right. And it never
comes or it seems to but doesn't
really. And so you spend your time
in vague regret or vaguer hope for
something good to come along.
Something to make you feel
connected, to make you feel whole,
to make you feel loved.
And the truth is I'm so angry and
the truth is I'm so fucking sad,
and the truth is I've been so
fucking hurt for so fucking long
and for just as long have been
pretending I'm ok, just to get
along, just for, I don't know why,
maybe because no one wants to hear
about my misery, because they have
their own, and their own is too
overwhelming to allow them to
listen to or care about mine.
Well, fuck everybody.
Amen.

2009-11-22T18:47:00.001-08:00

everything. maybe. is bullshit.

this is it

2009-11-13T15:33:00.000-08:00

days alone.

Good thing I'm listening to a tape and not a cd, because Ritz likes to sit atop my boom box and when she jumps off, the cd stops. I'm lucky this time.

I just put on an old sweatshirt that I haven't worn for quite some time. Bright orange. Can't remember where it came from. Has a deer on it. I think it's a hunting thing or something. Anyway, it has a huge piece of dirt caked on in one spot. Haha. Wonder what kind of trouble I was getting into.

Yesterday and today I listened to two Elliott Smith albums, two Rainer Maria albums,
and one Drought album. I would say these all sum up my current feelings fairly well and have made me feel somewhat better.

Today I advertised my services around my neighborhood. I hope this works out. I really do. It would be nice to have a source non-corporate income.

I almost forgot it was twilight.

HOLY CHRIST.

2009-11-12T18:02:00.000-08:00

an honest woman. supposedly. maybe.

Here are Two Things (songs) that I've been thinking about:

The impact, the aftershave, the european cigarettes
The taxi, the alcohol that lingers on your breath
The lipstick, the street lamp, the woolen overcoat
The front desk, you tell yourself, it isn't over yet

Second best, oh second best
I can learn to live with this
Plus I really need a rest
After all what's wrong with second best
What's wrong with second best

The motel, the distances, cave into kisses cold and wet
Familiar exchanges, like needle pulling thread
The empty movements that once were so inspired
Desperate attempts to fan the flames without a fire
The mattress creeks beneath
The symphony of misery and cum
Still we lie jerking back and forth
And blurring into one

Second best oh second best
I can learn to live with this
Plus I really need a rest
After all what's wrong with second best
What's wrong with second best

----------------------------

the body has got to be worth saving
eyelids are shining with headache and perspiration
morning is finding good intentions under sleep's persuasion
the body has got to be...
our past lives were too heavy and too expensive
now we're paying together for our inventions
maybe there's a ceremony
written down inside the body
where maybe no one ever sees
you begin like a lion and you end like a lamb
molars are grinding inspiration down to nothing
where are the instructions
on how to keep it going?
the body...
a patient motor in secret is whirring
binding together what was broken
with the heart's string
to have without keeping
to sigh without boredom
to know without thinking
and to love without ever knowing
maybe there's a ceremony
written down inside the body
where maybe no one ever sees

man. some days are so still. some days you can just watch kids laughing, or leaves collecting at the bottom of a chain link fence, or the sky in the rear view changing colors faster than you thought it could...and you feel fine. Some days. If I didn't have those things today...I'd probably feel a lot different right now.

feels like i have nothing

2009-11-12T10:29:00.000-08:00

so i stare at the things the sun makes

something old i found.

2009-11-12T00:39:00.000-08:00

i would not mind it if your grandpa's ghost woke me.
cause i know you loved him most, no i wouldn't be scared
on this couch with this aztec blanket wrapped around.
no, i'm good right here and the ticking of that paxil
clock ain't bothering me as much as i thought it would.

you don't know what this means
there's great magnitude here
but you can't see it. ohhhh
it's okay, it's okay, it's enough
that i feel safe.

she's happy, my friend, with you and i don't know
if you treat her good, but christ, how you've been mistreated
too. i try to relax, seeing your arms entwined in a basement.
whoami to judge your uneven love? perhaps all for the best,
you breaking her warmth over and over, is there even any
right way to be, ever?

you don't know what this means
there's great magnitude here
but you can't see it, man
it's okay, it's okay, it's good
that we never know how anything's gonna end.

or even that there's possibility for it to be without an end at all.

2009-11-12T00:33:00.000-08:00

can't go to sleep. found some old clothes of mine. my room is just about finished.
i feel like i could become whatever i want to be. being away from people allows you that. maybe.

thought i could change something, in experiment.
did not work.
am what i thought.
that is okay with me.

i am in love.

i read some really good haikus last night. i wish i could remember them.

behind 709

2009-11-10T08:05:00.000-08:00

this is the day i got stoned, freaked out, and didn't go back into work after my lunch break. i came here and calmed down

2009-11-05T12:59:00.000-08:00

******

2009-11-05T10:01:00.000-08:00

wake upppppppppp

2009-11-05T09:51:00.001-08:00

HEY! THIS IS THE WORLD! YOU ARE ALIVE!

have i ever told you how much i love rye bread?
i feel i could if i tried: live simply.
i can see what i feel for all of you. and it's real.
at least i have that.

old room=new room.

2009-11-03T09:50:00.000-08:00

So, I'm workin on my new room. Listening to get up kids. Might as well be 16 again.
Fuck, man.

Hello Again.

2009-11-02T18:56:00.000-08:00

So. Since I've moved home, I'm going to be bored a lot since I don't have anyone to hang out with. This means I'm going to start doing stuff with this blog again.

I just moved from Johnstown, PA.
Now I live in Venetia, PA with my mom.
We'll see how this goes.
So far I feel pretty good.

2009-07-30T06:56:00.001-07:00

2009-06-09T09:25:00.000-07:00

men pacing on rooftops in the sun
and clouds above them, almost high enough
to see the rollercoasters in the distance
no wind, just beating heat on chests and backs
and upon themselves, the men take in
the empty questions
"why am i here?"
they answer themselves with,
"where else would i be?"
come up short.

a kid kicks an empty pop can in the next town over
his best friend trails behind and watches
he's holding a fist in his pocket
just waiting for something,

everybody in this town waits
while everybody in the next town waits
while all the faces in the next next town stare into
the blank screen of every single day.

2009-06-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

laying listless but can't move.

down here it's just winners and losers and don't get caught on the wrong side of that line

i'm tired of comin out on this losin end.

2009-06-03T09:33:00.001-07:00

Feeling much better, much more real,
much more alive.
Got all cut up, got done with him cuttin up
and i was not the one to run
Made up so much of it, gave out more than that
got a big dumb dull nothing back
Wadn't upset with it, knew what was coming from it
busted through the wall anyway
I know what I'm doing, I know what I did,
there's no crawling into holes now
I'm much better for it, I've grown older cause of it,
and he's still folding in on himself
There's no one else, there is everyone else and
last night I dreamt of liars
We're too ready for it, I'm all gone and here and present now
And things will fall in, and roll off like everything else
And I will welcome it. Still.

2009-06-01T20:27:00.000-07:00

It wasn't the softness of his summer

rubber fingers,

but the death behind the blankets,

beneath the searching palms

and the empty pressing into my back.

face it.

2009-05-29T07:46:00.000-07:00

Am I impervious? I once thought. Now I think not.

Two books.

2009-05-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

It's a toss up night.
Keep fallin behind, not bein heard, not bein seen.
I remember how easy it is to not be heard or seen when you're sad.
Forgot all about that, feigning perpetual "okay-ness"
Keeps people at bay quite well.
Afraid to get to the point where you can't put your shit away
and people can see it and then regard it with hands open
or dismiss it with faces turned away.

I bet there is enough time, though.
To go thru this folder of randoms
Unidentifiable spirits, aching calms.

You would read them in a deeper voice, trying not to laugh.
I would be intent and sincere and
you'd fall deeper into the bed, it sinking to a space
I did not know about before.

For example,

"Libby on the couch, Jenny in the sand.
Penny in my pocket, Quarter in my hand."

You would read that and think of the absence
of the bottom of all your pockets.
No bottom, no found, no discovery.
Some things more precious than others.
And we would pause too long cause
nothing will ever fill that blurry, senseless, creeping absurdness
that is always placed firmly between our faces.

I would read Chapter 78, an excerpt:

"...you wake to nothing the same. and you have changed, in your dreams.
what've they made you, but less afraid?"

You would never hear about the morning the house shook.
Or the front yard back yard too-long-dwelling-before-recognizing.
The twisting, the shrinking of the things that are supposed
to keep me comfortable.
The reckless abandon.
I'm done. It's here. Let's go.

Today is a good day Today.

2009-05-26T09:06:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and I was shivering. This was a welcomed shiver.
My room feels good now that I moved it around.
Things feel closer to me. Myself, my dreams.

Everything felt soft to me this morning, and even now.

Walked to work with my shoes in my purse and bare feet
on the sidewalks, streets, grass, rocks, rain.
It was pouring. Thought about asking a roommate for a ride, then
understood how much better my day would be if it started with
just me and the rain. The rain. The rain. The rain.
Tarp Rain.

Daydreaming some simple things. Plausible things, but things that
rest solely on single decisions. Moments. Pure and fleeting.

Ahhhh, days of rest, thank you. Days of solitude, thank you.
Days of utter emersion and confusion and not being able to
see straight from all the gushing. Thank you.

moving faster.

2009-05-24T13:16:00.000-07:00

I've been asking myself lately "is it too much?"

The answer is probably yes. But what does that mean?

Does that mean that I should stop what I'm doing, eventhough

there is some un-ignorable, invisible pull urging me to

run so fucking fast head-on right into it?

And what is the worst that shall happen to me?

Hurt, reclusion, anger, depression.

HA!

Well, okay. I can live with that.

2009-05-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

went to the river with my gang today. couldn't find the right spot.
river had shit in it.
sat next to it for a while and felt the breeze.
lovin livin in pittsburgh.

see? it evaporated.

2009-05-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

I just looked at a lot of really lovely things,
and christ I'm just wading through the waters.
I see why people revert.
I see why people stay inside of their rooms.
There is more magic in there
and in their hearts than is recognizable
or communicable through conversation with even the most charming of folks.

I know that underneath everything on top, there are bones. That I own.

you do not.
own them like i own them
although you feel them in your sleep
and i let you see certain things
that you can see
but you are leaving full jars of water on
my sills
and there are no filters to be found
in any of your bags or my bags
or under the bed because it is bolted to the floor
and you roll off when you get too bored.

you spelled ecstacy wrong

2009-05-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

Lead a normal life

2009-05-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

for my will is as strong as yours

2009-05-13T16:40:00.000-07:00

Found that little guy on the internet.

The house is still and quiet. No one's home. I'm watching the Labyrinth.

I just ate some sticky rice and a burrito with fresh tomato. The tomato tasted so good

that it almost made me cry.

If and when I have a garden this is what I would like to grow:

Raspberries

Blueberries

Strawberries

Apples

Carrots

Potatoes

Tomatoes

Sugar Snap Peas

Cabbage

Peppers

Lettuce

Onions

Those white things that look like carrots.

Ohhhh I hope it happens.

I feel great. The weather was so nice today and I walked home from the school where I work all through back alleys. Saw some lovely things. Trees, monkeyvines, stray cats, crumbled staircases.

................................................................

"You have no power over me"

And all folded hands and everyone asking me why.

I could look you straight in the eyes, and your elbows would be up over your face,

could say damn near anything I believed and you would close your eyes

and your eyes from fear of losing too much.

2009-05-12T18:38:00.001-07:00

Trying to clean my room. Reorganize. Throw shit away. Move it around. It's very difficult for me to throw things away. All I want to do sometimes is own nothing. I want everything and nothing at the same time all the time.

A N O N Y M I T Y

2009-05-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

Changes

2009-05-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

First tattoo. She didn't get to finish it because I passed out and growled. Son of a gun. Hopefully I will be able to get it finished. Hopefully I won't pass out again although I feel it may happen.

Finally, together at last. My roommates.

I couldn't be more grateful. I wake up everyday surrounded by wonderful people. I don't know how I got here, but I may ask myself.

Watching What's Eating Gilbert Grape with Kelly right now. She's sprawled out on the pull out to the right of me. I just looked over at her. I think she might be sleeping.

buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2009-05-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

3 o' clock. Be there.

2009-05-04T21:06:00.000-07:00

...And she shows.

ruff and ready

2009-05-04T09:02:00.000-07:00

Losing so much. Gaining so much. Keeping so much. Letting go of so much.

not sleeping right now. sometimes i wish i could be awake all of the time like brian woerner said once in chemistry class

2009-05-04T00:19:00.001-07:00

Days on Days

2009-05-04T00:09:00.000-07:00

too much too much

2009-05-03T23:53:00.000-07:00

Was it the way we were all spinning too fast right in the middle of the room, or was it the tumbling over eachother's fearless bodies? Behind, infront of--foregroundandbackground, rumbling in my head, shaky weakness in all my fingers, I stood taller.

I never know with such a pushing pull and a killer grip. Ha, I'll just fall back and not worry bout nothin, let bruises come from the ground, but not my lack of radical acceptance. I'll laugh into the hardwood as my 12 year old best friend with boys talking to eachother in the living room, and christ I just need a minute to cool my jets sometimes.

Run to different rooms to never meet you there. And when I do meet you there, we're not even there. We are stupid turning heads around and facing eachother's backs.

Shaking but drawn.

Storms but calm.

Rested and worn.

Fuck it all, you are free AND bound.

rememberance

2009-04-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

might get a free tattoo tomorrow. i'm thinking something like this

barley

2009-04-29T10:31:00.001-07:00

things better than others

2009-04-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

you scare me, baby.

2009-04-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

summer livin.

2009-04-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

anne arbour

2009-04-09T07:41:00.000-07:00

I think I remember it now. Being psyched on life because of how much "love" you have.

2009-04-07T23:14:00.000-07:00

Smoking Basic Lights in bed. Reminds me of something. Philadelphia, restless. Old leaves collecting on the ground infront of old statues or fences. Laying with a body who covered up all the holes in his wall with posters. The woman of the house showed me when he was at work. She offered me a Jello shot. I took one. It was Red.

---

2009-04-06T22:24:00.001-07:00

My mother used to ask me what the sound of one hand clapping was. I never knew. She and my sister would laugh when I would ask, "Well, what is it, would you just tell me?"

I think I get it now. I think.

Remember to ask the right questions.

long days

2009-04-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

top-thought it looked like new york city when i walked into our room the other day. never been there. yet.

bottom-i carried you, my new lamp, in the whipping wind and rain, shielding us from the harshness, while people in their cars gave us weird looks. but you're home now. with me.

2009-04-02T09:56:00.000-07:00

my horoscope:

Today you're in the midst of swirling passions and might try to find your way back to a more intellectual platform, for that's where you shine. Nevertheless, the emotionally charged energy will likely push you right to the edge of discomfort. It's even more problematic because you don't know which way to turn in order to find happiness. Indulging your senses looks like the easy way out, but it's really just a distraction from the real work at hand.

For yesterday. Oh man. How can you tell if you're going crazy? Does it even make a difference? Is everyone already crazy? Fuck. I still don't know shit, man, and will I ever?

For some reason things seemed simpler for me in Indiana. Could be the fact that I was just going to school and only working 20 hours a week and I loved the shit out of my job and my classes. Could just be the rolling hills and open lands. Shit just seems so heavy and complicated here. I feel like there is never enough time to do anything. Like I'm always stuck in some way.

Stayed up till 5 last night. Want to fall asleep in this office chair. Goodnight.

2009-03-27T11:11:00.000-07:00

ugh. i'm at work right now just trying to do some paperwork and enjoy my chocolate milk and secret text messages and this old guy is sitting really close to me and keeps breathing on me and burping every five seconds. he keeps asking me random questions and i guess that's nice and all but isn't it obvious that i'm working?!?! or at least that i don't want to be talking to him? i don't understand. i normally don't get this annoyed with people but i want to tell this man to GTFO. jesus fucking christ.
after work immediately, i plan on walking to the cemetery by myself and taking a nap on someone's grave. i should have some company after that and i can't wait.

2009-03-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

i ate all the raspberries in the container just now. washed it down with a glass of water in my possibly new favorite cup. wasn't sure if i told a kid how to spell "bubbling" right. is that how you spell it?
made a bold move today.
i'm so happy i did.

maxfield parish

2009-03-23T08:32:00.000-07:00

So I'm at work right now and I am literally the only person in the office. This rules. I hope it stays this way for a very long time today so I can just dick around.

Last night I started thinking about this book my parents had when I was little. It was one of those huge art books with paintings by Maxfield Parish and it scared the shit out of me. In good and bad ways. Some of his paintings are super dreamy and beautiful, while others are just totally fucked and scary.

I have to ask my mom where this book went. I need to see it again.

dreary days warm days

2009-03-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

2009-03-12T08:23:00.001-07:00

I think the world is moving too fast for me again. Do you ever not even realize what happens to you in a day? Fuck. I hate it. I have to figure out how to be more present. I think I'm always in my head. I wanna be freeeererer

me in high school

2009-03-11T09:57:00.001-07:00

hahahahahha

2009-03-11T09:55:00.000-07:00

it's a gooddamn gale out there

2009-03-11T07:45:00.001-07:00

and it's sunny as fuck! and i just walked into work smelling like crap, with my hair all a mess, a stain on my shirt, and old smelly jeans. i feel great. haha. my boss looked at me up and down when i came in, and i know what he's thinking. but will he say anything? probably not. my arms smell like the outside. i love that smell more than anything and i can't believe, sometimes, that it lingers on skin the way that it does.
i think i'm dumb. maybe i'm just happy.

2009-03-10T16:36:00.000-07:00

2009-03-10T09:43:00.000-07:00

I had a dream that my friend, Michael McDermit said, "Take this to the high seas." He was holding up a drink and looking especially focused and inspired by something. He looked happy.

Been thinking about my friends and their happiness and their sadness. Why can't just spending time together be enough? Why can't we revel in eachother and be so grateful that we even have other people in our lives who are somewhat likeminded, and pretty much enjoy the same things? Why isn't that enough? Fuck, I've been in relationships and they're not enough either. So what the fuck is enough?

For some reason I believe that traveling this summer will finally be the thing that is enough.
I think so. So I gotta do it. Even if Kim isn't with me. I gotta figure out how I'm gonna do it.
I just gotta.

In other news, I just confronted a boy who I realized literally just wanted to sleep with me, and who didn't care to get to know me at all. I don't think I've ever had this happen to me before. Maybe I have and was just too dumb to realize it. Maybe the feelings were mutual, so I didn't notice it at all. But this time really pissed me off. Fuck, man. Why do people just think it's so easy and so natural to sleep around? Is it? Am I missing something?

I'm still so terribly young.

good afternoon, i'm stoned.

2009-03-06T09:53:00.001-08:00

in spain

i searched for pictures of the 1985 world fair

2009-03-05T17:05:00.000-08:00

morning beautiful

2009-03-05T07:39:00.000-08:00

old favorite jeans that don't fit no mo

gram's house

i think i might go to the virgin mary shrine this evening. i hope it's still there. i want to show it to you. got well drunk last night. danced a bit at a bar where no one was dancing. came home and tried to watch liar liar and slept through the entire thing, asleep on the top of my covers, and doesn't it seem like such a chore to get under the covers when you're half awake and drunk and on top of them sometimes?

some old friends

2009-03-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

tired of comin out on this losin end

2009-03-02T15:00:00.000-08:00

i just took an antibiotic. it's making me rather dizzy. trying to fight it off.
i'm going to go outside only once today to deliver a letter.
my throat hurts so bad.
sometimes i really hate bob dylan a lot.
there are two chicken nuggets on a plate in the shape of two small dinosaurs.
they're cold.
i think i'll make some tea. pictures coming soon of my new living space.

disease

2009-02-26T13:19:00.000-08:00

sick as a dog.
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck.
watching a dad and daughter on tv and the daughter is being so fake with him.
i can't stop coughing.
i have to start moving tomorrow.
nothing is packed.
i don't have any food at the house and i can't move.
fuck being sick, man.
fuck it all.

into inside into outside

2009-02-21T10:31:00.001-08:00

Watched Mister Lonely. So good. Made me feel pretty good about things in general.
Got me feeling like I need to embrace the lost more. I don't know about anything right now in my life. And that's okay. That's all.

On Fridays I work at the school. Leon and his two brothers didn't get to do any activites because they're bad. They just have a lot of energy. And can't handle authority. Is that okay? I don't know. Doesn't really bother me.

Then we walked to see the barn and I knew it would be the last time I ever saw it. I just felt it. I'm not angry or sad really. I'm just happy I know something like that exists. We walked to the diner after we saw the barn. I liked this old empty car lot on the way. Check out that glitter. The sky was beautiful and the wind was whipping so hard.

Just a Moment

2009-02-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

Had a fucked up dream last night. I beat a girl up cause I was jealous or something and some 12-year old told me I needed to let it go in the snow. I was calm, then. But it was my house. It all happened in my house. So fucked up. Yeah, I'm not over it. I guess. Fuck it.
It's my birthday. I don't mind.

1-By the train tracks, on a ledge. It was sunny. I felt nice.
2-One of the four cats I see everyday on my walk to work. I'll post the rest some other day.

this is for ben

2009-02-17T08:32:00.001-08:00

what i saw while i wasn't working today

2009-02-16T11:53:00.000-08:00

other places

2009-02-16T11:05:00.000-08:00

I want this to be as big as your face and wrap around your whole head.

somebody else's belief in ghosts

2009-02-15T22:38:00.000-08:00

after this person took these, they became a believer.

welcome to the ceiling collapse

2009-02-15T19:33:00.000-08:00

smoking, drinking old coffee, window slightly cracked.

gotta do something with this head of mine.

bored with things, slight inspirations, but no movement.

ah, what to do? do you ever love what you know you've been but

think that the path stopped? you know you've been good and had

a full, intense life so far...but somewhere it just stopped..and now you're

just getting up in the morning and going to bed at night?

unaffected by most exceptional experience?

guh.

this is my friend elizabeth witherite. she's in south korea.

i guess this is what south korea looks like. i guess this is what she's doing.

i need somewhere to live

2009-02-15T15:59:00.000-08:00

I just want a nice, sunny place to live.
Anyone want move to Spokane, Washington with me?
This place is super cheap and it's a whole fucking house!
Fuckin A, man

I found this girl on Kelly's flickr. She has some really nice pictures. Kelly, do you know her in real life?

Anyway, check out this picture. And the rest of them

I've had Weezer's "Devotion" stuck in my head all damn day.

happy valentine's day

2009-02-14T18:27:00.000-08:00

cars (3) s. winebiddle

2009-02-13T23:19:00.000-08:00

2009-02-13T23:03:00.000-08:00

It started with waking up in a mild regret, and then progressing into a supposed adventure because of an inscription reading :everything was beautiful and nothing hurt"
I saw my boss being fake and I wanted to ask him why he's so fake all the time.
Sat on ben and josh and brandon's porch by myself and had my half coffee half cappucino and a camel light. listened to "atlantic city," and thought about my grandfather and looked at the tree/sky and missed him.

"got a new job, gonna try to put my money away, but i got debts that no honest man can pay so i drew all my money from that central trust and i bought two tickets on that grove city bus..."

Watched children play in the gym, tried to talk to one of them about why he can't treat other kids the way he does. It was really hard to explain that you should care-you should care that people get hurt. But sometimes nobody cares, so how could I tell that kid he had to care?

Took a long busride to the southside to go to a party and i left my favorite hat on the bus. I freaked. still upset. attached to that thing, i guess i was. it was my hat. it's fucking me up.
but it's gone. and i gotta let that one go.
(minutes later found a half pack of marlboro reds. saved the lucky. don't know when i'll smoke it)

Still no closer to anything, BUT i saw someone somewhere who knows the hurt well, and the kid takes it and bears it like we humans really, truly should.

FULL HAAS (lucas)

2009-02-13T09:05:00.000-08:00

A few things.

My landlord is bringing someone over tonight to show the apartment. This makes me so uncomfortable. Just people I don't know being in my space. Ugh. Whatever. I'm not going to clean. He didn't give me very much notice.

Full House is on and it's so funny.

My new work schedule for Fridays is 2-6, which means I get to see my kids at Fort Pitt every Friday which rules. Second grade was so easy to teach. 10th grade is driving me insane.

Ireallyreallyreallyreallyhopewefindsomewheretolivesoon.