convince yourself

January 5, 2007

Tooter died last night. Reed found her. I was watching the O.C. when he came back to Kim's house to tell me. I asked him to check on her before he went out to Bill's house. He came in, and I knew. I felt like it was my fault she died, for bringing her here. I reasoned that it was not good for her to be here at all. I don't know if this is true or not. I wanted to have a friend, and for her to have a friend and feel great companionship in her last years. I didn't know it was going to be her last days. I had a really scary dream last night about families murdering eachother. I woke up very afraid to be in this house. I do not feel it is mine, yet. It is all dirty and disheveled and still being worked on. I feel that I have a weird relationship with my landlord, Dan. I am having horrible cramps currently and have been all morning. I couldn't sleep last night on account of this and the scary dreams. I miss Tooter. I wish she was still here. This house is so big. I want to feel safe in it. I will do affirmations. I am perfectly healthy and completely safe in this house. This is where I belong. I will eventually feel good being here. I think I will watch some wonder years and take a load off. I am lucky to get such a good deal and to have a devoted landlord who comes over and works on the house every single day.

selfffffffffffff timer

lost love

i think it's time to go back outside

close calls. maybe.

approx. age 11: sitting on front porch with cousin lauren. white van. kept driving back and forth past her house. out in rural america. sunny, hot, pond swimmin, close proximity to west virginia. evaded by running upstairs and locking all doors and window and waiting with hearts beating hard.

approx. age 22: walking down 5th street with kim. can't remember color of car. perhaps red. was carrying subs n suds pizza. walking to party. passed us, then reversed. went around the block, passed us twice more before i pulled kim into the bushes to hide. ripped my favorite jeans. patched them with pink and brown and white plaid fabric from adelay.

age 23 almost 24: walking home drunk with kelly. man in green small car with high hair and glasses. passed, then reversed and pulled into street across from us. pulled back out and passed again. put car in reverse. "am i being irrational?" and both ran down alley and hit behind black or dark navy car. knee sinking into snow. crept back out, coast clear. then saw him cross friendship and spot us. ran home. i mean ran.

I'm in a library. I miss this sort of thing.

My bruised ankle is becoming itchy. I don't like that, because I want to scratch it, but when I do, it hurts.
Oh hell.

A beautiful pidgeon shit on me today as he was flying from one building to another.

I love everyone I know.

I was patted on the head today. I was made fun of for not being the brightest, but they told me I was quick-witted, so they'd hire me.

Yes, I can handle it.

Read a book by Augusten in a VAULT. A REAL VAULT.

the student took a break from his studies to call someone to tell them that he could not stop thinking about the dream he had last night.

While waiting at the bus stop, I checked a voicemail message from a lover lost singing: baby baby baby, come on, what's wrong? it's a radiation vibe i'm groovin on.





Shine on, shine on. Shine on.

money. it's a gas.

it turns out your personality does take you quite far sometimes.

i burned bridges because of embarresment.

and yet, my old job still wants me to work for them.

it was said by my old boss:
"yeah, she does a lot of stupid things, but she sure is hard not to like"

i'm dancing around my apartment. no more worries.

ha cha cha!