Just a Moment

DAILINESS! in videography. sand, leaves, grass, trees, bark, sap, crunchin sticks, smiles,
people yelling, people's shoes. people's clothes. color, gray, brown, heathered, feathered.
taking walks.

Gotta:

find the correct cords.
buy more analog. always more analog!
go back to steel eden or whatever with glass
also go to/take others to virgin mary shrine when warm
ride bike soon when a little warmer please don't get colder, pittsburgh
take ben to dan(joe) marino park and play a game of catch and try to jump into river

why is everyone dying

I ran to give her a Christmas card in the cold before her bus came. We got her a little stuffed animal, too. She used to pee all over the toilet seat at work, and she would often mess things up, making way more copies than she needed to of everything. Cheryl died. And my boss is making fucking jokes about her. Mean ones. Fucking hell.

now

I'm at work and it's fucking ridiculous. Sometimes I just feel sick working here. I mean, I'm doing good things for kids, so that's great and all...but the people I work with drive me fucking crazy sometimes. My boss is racist, sexist, and thinks he's the smartest person in the world and has a dumbass haircut. I probably shouldn't talk to much about this while I'm at work.

I guess I'm just trying to figure myself out and why I quit so many jobs. It's like I get disappointed in myself for spending my time with people I can't stand. It makes me irritable. I don't know. It's a bunch of excuses I guess. I just don't want to have any kind of traditional job where I have to wake up, sit on my ass, talk to people on the phone, dress up, be on the fucking computer all day.

I really need to move into this new apartment. I hope it happens. I can't afford mine at all. I like it, but it was serving as a quick escape from my old apartment which was a rat hole. Now I just don't have enough money and have been broke for about a week now. Broke is funny. It's not so bad I guess. It's been hard not smoking cigarettes for the past two days. I'm doing better than I thought, though.

Jesus, all I want to do today is

move out of my apartment
dye my hair
smoke a million cigarettes in the storage space with the windows open and wind in my face
set my typewriter up in the sunroom
smoke joints and listen to records with my best friends.
would listen to:
neil young
paul simon
rodney dangerfield
patsy cline
abra moore


but....I am here. in this office. with these people. i will dream of other things. other places i want to be. maybe a short story later.

holding back

I was in a room full of people last night and thought this was so funny but everyone else in the room was disgusted so I didn't laugh.

stuk

All I want to do today is play music. But I feel like I can't. This reall upsets me. I don't know what to do about this.

denver

broken homes

is all, i think, sometimes, the volkars know. that's my cousin josh, his son kushel, and his ex-wife, mona. josh said he needed a divorce. mona was fucking devastated. the whole family misses her so much. just reminds me of my mom, and when my parents got a divorce, how fucking much my dad's side missed her. they would always ask about her and i would cry every time because i knew they loved her. fuck marriage. fuck divorce.
i can't help thinking that every child of divorce will one day, get divorced themselves.
josh and mona were one of the only couples i had faith in. and now it's over.


the fam before the split
kush and mona
before kush

now, without dad.