Friday, June 29, 2018
It's been almost a decade. I may like this blog better than my tumblr. Why did I ever feel the need to upgrade at all? I guess it's because that's what people were doing. We all used to read each other's blogs. It was nice. We were more connected then, I imagine. I'm losing touch with nearly all of my old friends. My "college" friends. Is this the time it happens, mid-30's? Is that normal? I still think of them often. We spent so much time together. Hiding, singing, laughing, not hiding, crying, feeling sick and sad and scared, sitting in parked cars and listening to entire albums sometimes. We were families, ever mutating and growing. Now most of my time is spent alone. Again. I went back out to Pittsburgh to try living there again; I wanted to spend my gram's final years with her. She died about a month ago. I can't believe she died. I couldn't afford to fly home to go to her funeral or visit her during her last few days of life. I couldn't afford it because I got into a car wreck that left me in too much pain to do the manual labor jobs I normally do here in Spring, so I was broke. It also left me mentally unstable, and unable to drive my car without being in fight or flight the entire time. That's more of a story I want it go into right now so I'll leave it at that. I had my own funeral for gram by the Great Skagit River. I wrote my family a letter and my dad read it to them before he put it in her casket. I couldn't be totally present. I heard her words. She always told me to do whatever I wanted to in life, what I loved. But, do I? The year I tried Pittsburgh again was kind of a shit-show. My relationships didn't feel right anymore, so I formed some new ones. Most of my old friends were coupled off, and sometimes that makes people shitty and shallow and selfish. I don't blame them; I did it for nearly 5 years myself. My big life plan is to never let that happen again, and unfortunately, that requires a lot of time alone. Most people, once they decide they like you well enough, want to be (what I consider) unhealthily attached. I'm trying to avoid that for the long haul, so I have been having short, unexpressed, not fully realized relationships. They can be fun, and sweet, and even comforting at times, but the depth doesn't arrive. I wait for it, always. I wait for a man strong enough, and himself enough. I have not met him yet. I know this. I miss my friends. I miss closeness. I have one close friend here, hopefully more soon because I'm moving to a city. A new city, wow. I'm starting out. It is the commitment I didn't want to make to Washington state before. I'm making it now. I got a good job and I'm ready to show a new environment who I am. It feels good. But I still, will always miss my friends. I miss their utter hilarity. Their vulnerability, and life. The trust we had between us. It was hard work to get there. It was time put in, and really uncomfortable conversations and staring off into the snow falling out the window. It was betrayals and puking and dancing wildly and watching Titanic dozens of times. It was going to shows and feeling like we were holding hands even when we weren't. It was staring our own bands, finally. It was hanging out with each other's families, and loving each other on a deeper level because of it. I wish I still had them near.