Thursday, February 26, 2009

disease

sick as a dog.
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck.
watching a dad and daughter on tv and the daughter is being so fake with him.
i can't stop coughing.
i have to start moving tomorrow.
nothing is packed.
i don't have any food at the house and i can't move.
fuck being sick, man.
fuck it all.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

into inside into outside

Watched Mister Lonely. So good. Made me feel pretty good about things in general.
Got me feeling like I need to embrace the lost more. I don't know about anything right now in my life. And that's okay. That's all.




On Fridays I work at the school. Leon and his two brothers didn't get to do any activites because they're bad. They just have a lot of energy. And can't handle authority. Is that okay? I don't know. Doesn't really bother me.


Then we walked to see the barn and I knew it would be the last time I ever saw it. I just felt it. I'm not angry or sad really. I'm just happy I know something like that exists. We walked to the diner after we saw the barn. I liked this old empty car lot on the way. Check out that glitter. The sky was beautiful and the wind was whipping so hard.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Just a Moment





Had a fucked up dream last night. I beat a girl up cause I was jealous or something and some 12-year old told me I needed to let it go in the snow. I was calm, then. But it was my house. It all happened in my house. So fucked up. Yeah, I'm not over it. I guess. Fuck it.
It's my birthday. I don't mind.

1-By the train tracks, on a ledge. It was sunny. I felt nice.
2-One of the four cats I see everyday on my walk to work. I'll post the rest some other day.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Monday, February 16, 2009

what i saw while i wasn't working today




other places



I want this to be as big as your face and wrap around your whole head.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

somebody else's belief in ghosts




after this person took these, they became a believer.

welcome to the ceiling collapse



smoking, drinking old coffee, window slightly cracked.
gotta do something with this head of mine.
bored with things, slight inspirations, but no movement.
ah, what to do? do you ever love what you know you've been but
think that the path stopped? you know you've been good and had
a full, intense life so far...but somewhere it just stopped..and now you're
just getting up in the morning and going to bed at night?
unaffected by most exceptional experience?
guh.
this is my friend elizabeth witherite. she's in south korea.



i guess this is what south korea looks like. i guess this is what she's doing.


i need somewhere to live

I just want a nice, sunny place to live.
Anyone want move to Spokane, Washington with me?
This place is super cheap and it's a whole fucking house!
Fuckin A, man






I found this girl on Kelly's flickr. She has some really nice pictures. Kelly, do you know her in real life?








I've had Weezer's "Devotion" stuck in my head all damn day.




Saturday, February 14, 2009

Friday, February 13, 2009

cars (3) s. winebiddle


It started with waking up in a mild regret, and then progressing into a supposed adventure because of an inscription reading :everything was beautiful and nothing hurt"
I saw my boss being fake and I wanted to ask him why he's so fake all the time.
Sat on ben and josh and brandon's porch by myself and had my half coffee half cappucino and a camel light. listened to "atlantic city," and thought about my grandfather and looked at the tree/sky and missed him.

"got a new job, gonna try to put my money away, but i got debts that no honest man can pay so i drew all my money from that central trust and i bought two tickets on that grove city bus..."


Watched children play in the gym, tried to talk to one of them about why he can't treat other kids the way he does. It was really hard to explain that you should care-you should care that people get hurt. But sometimes nobody cares, so how could I tell that kid he had to care?


Took a long busride to the southside to go to a party and i left my favorite hat on the bus. I freaked. still upset. attached to that thing, i guess i was. it was my hat. it's fucking me up.
but it's gone. and i gotta let that one go.
(minutes later found a half pack of marlboro reds. saved the lucky. don't know when i'll smoke it)

Still no closer to anything, BUT i saw someone somewhere who knows the hurt well, and the kid takes it and bears it like we humans really, truly should.

FULL HAAS (lucas)

A few things.

My landlord is bringing someone over tonight to show the apartment. This makes me so uncomfortable. Just people I don't know being in my space. Ugh. Whatever. I'm not going to clean. He didn't give me very much notice.

Full House is on and it's so funny.

My new work schedule for Fridays is 2-6, which means I get to see my kids at Fort Pitt every Friday which rules. Second grade was so easy to teach. 10th grade is driving me insane.

Ireallyreallyreallyreallyhopewefindsomewheretolivesoon.

cars (2) s. winebiddle


Thursday, February 12, 2009

textures


1-blanket
2-skirt

picture phones




1-warehouse at bus stop
2-on bus (the sun is a black hole)

uh oh, it's morning time again

Woke up this morning at 9:00. Was having some really painful cramps, so I took a bath in the dark. I layed down, and let the water run and fill up the tub until it was covering my entire face. It had to be some form of meditation or something. The stillness. I tried to pretend like I was trapped in a small space and was going to drown. I remained completely calm. It felt good.

Then I relaxed, and instead of going into work watched Rockstar with mah boy, Mark Wahlberg. I had also forgotten that Stephen Jenkins, of Third Eye Blind, is in that movie. Hahaha. Felt good. That movie has a nice ending. He just goes back to being himself again, and his girlfriend accepts him again and he writes his own music. It's nice.

I'm really grateful for a lot.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

cars (1) south winebiddle


I'm going to start taking pictures of cars I like.

picture phones




1-alex's fake outfit tonight
2-ben wearing great orange glasses that turned life purple when you took them off

blazing

it's a goddamn gale out there and my mom was in the hospital today and i saw the get up kids tonight and we saw some blue flashing light in the sky on the way home and heather gave me a pack of pall malls and the skulls is on and i'm making soup.


this is what life is about.


also, BIRDS was on earlier.



ITS FUCKING BLOWING OUTSIDE. SO GOOD. SO GOOD. SOO GOOD.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Ugh, America
















I wanna go back to Spain so bad. I wish I wouldn't have been dating Reed at the time. Not because I wanted to sleep with anyone there, but because I was afraid of who Reed was sleeping with back home. I think those thoughts prevented me from having a better time. Ugh. I'm dumb. Whatever.






1-the field of poppies i walked home thru every day

2-yes, i did get to see my favorite artist's original work (joseph cornell)

3-one of our tutors said that anarchy was not

idea in Spain, it was an organization.

4-dennis' special place

5-out our bedroom window

Monday, February 9, 2009

favorite.

often times my pictures get cut off when i upload them from another website. i'm not sure why this is. i would like to correct this problem somehow, but for now, the brother who came first will have to be the brother who came first.

Just a Moment

DAILINESS! in videography. sand, leaves, grass, trees, bark, sap, crunchin sticks, smiles,
people yelling, people's shoes. people's clothes. color, gray, brown, heathered, feathered.
taking walks.

Gotta:

find the correct cords.
buy more analog. always more analog!
go back to steel eden or whatever with glass
also go to/take others to virgin mary shrine when warm
ride bike soon when a little warmer please don't get colder, pittsburgh
take ben to dan(joe) marino park and play a game of catch and try to jump into river

why is everyone dying

I ran to give her a Christmas card in the cold before her bus came. We got her a little stuffed animal, too. She used to pee all over the toilet seat at work, and she would often mess things up, making way more copies than she needed to of everything. Cheryl died. And my boss is making fucking jokes about her. Mean ones. Fucking hell.

now

I'm at work and it's fucking ridiculous. Sometimes I just feel sick working here. I mean, I'm doing good things for kids, so that's great and all...but the people I work with drive me fucking crazy sometimes. My boss is racist, sexist, and thinks he's the smartest person in the world and has a dumbass haircut. I probably shouldn't talk to much about this while I'm at work.

I guess I'm just trying to figure myself out and why I quit so many jobs. It's like I get disappointed in myself for spending my time with people I can't stand. It makes me irritable. I don't know. It's a bunch of excuses I guess. I just don't want to have any kind of traditional job where I have to wake up, sit on my ass, talk to people on the phone, dress up, be on the fucking computer all day.

I really need to move into this new apartment. I hope it happens. I can't afford mine at all. I like it, but it was serving as a quick escape from my old apartment which was a rat hole. Now I just don't have enough money and have been broke for about a week now. Broke is funny. It's not so bad I guess. It's been hard not smoking cigarettes for the past two days. I'm doing better than I thought, though.

Jesus, all I want to do today is

move out of my apartment
dye my hair
smoke a million cigarettes in the storage space with the windows open and wind in my face
set my typewriter up in the sunroom
smoke joints and listen to records with my best friends.
would listen to:
neil young
paul simon
rodney dangerfield
patsy cline
abra moore


but....I am here. in this office. with these people. i will dream of other things. other places i want to be. maybe a short story later.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

holding back

I was in a room full of people last night and thought this was so funny but everyone else in the room was disgusted so I didn't laugh.

stuk

All I want to do today is play music. But I feel like I can't. This reall upsets me. I don't know what to do about this.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Friday, February 6, 2009

broken homes

is all, i think, sometimes, the volkars know. that's my cousin josh, his son kushel, and his ex-wife, mona. josh said he needed a divorce. mona was fucking devastated. the whole family misses her so much. just reminds me of my mom, and when my parents got a divorce, how fucking much my dad's side missed her. they would always ask about her and i would cry every time because i knew they loved her. fuck marriage. fuck divorce.
i can't help thinking that every child of divorce will one day, get divorced themselves.
josh and mona were one of the only couples i had faith in. and now it's over.


the fam before the split
kush and mona
before kush

now, without dad.

this weekend

I will be listening to this record a lot.


I am totally broke. I won't be going anywhere, unless it's on a free adventure.
I'd like to do something this weekend. I'd like to actually go through with an idea and not just think about it. I know that this record will help. It makes me think of so many things. It's no walls, it's no confines, it's open and terrifying and wonderful. Makes me re-think art all together.

Last night I slept in kelly's room. I thought I had meningitis. I didn't tell her because I thought she'd get scared. But I was very scared. I thought I was going to die. I didn't say anything and I didn't try to save myself. I would just die. Hmm.
I was kept up by the ghosts. Children in the foyer playing kazoo and being confused about the wall between them and the old living room. I imagined plush velvet curtains and rich people laughing on fancy couches with wine and fruit. I heard so many noises so close to me.
I wondered if kelly saw ghosts every night and if she just didn't say anything because she didn't think anyone would believe her.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

not so suicidal after all


by ben houck




opp






These are two paintings by Scott Daniel Ellison.



My friend Keith Varadi showed me his website. Right now he is living and painting in an artist's residency program in Vermont. Fuckin A, Keith. So awesome.




Here are some of Keith's paintings:








Wednesday, February 4, 2009






I keep thinking, "oh, maybe we'll go over dutch and mcd's tonight." and then i remember that they're not there. they're on tour. lucky ducks. it's nice to miss friends, though. it's a real nice feeling. i have to figure out how to travel around the country while making money at the same time. i don't have a band, really, that could/would do that. what's another way besides walking across the whole country? i don't know. i just know that's all i wanna do. see the whole country. soon. very soon.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

if it could happen...


AMERICAN DISCOVERY TRAIL: SUMMER '09
more:

-green shed
-blue garage
-shared server activities spreadsheet
-the sparkling eyes/feeling hopeful
-the white drive home/breaking points/melting rivers/pull over/woods conversation
-promises about getting it back
-knowing it's no more
-being too tired to feel hopeful.
-smiling at the thought of it.
-hands.