convince yourself

January 5, 2007

Tooter died last night. Reed found her. I was watching the O.C. when he came back to Kim's house to tell me. I asked him to check on her before he went out to Bill's house. He came in, and I knew. I felt like it was my fault she died, for bringing her here. I reasoned that it was not good for her to be here at all. I don't know if this is true or not. I wanted to have a friend, and for her to have a friend and feel great companionship in her last years. I didn't know it was going to be her last days. I had a really scary dream last night about families murdering eachother. I woke up very afraid to be in this house. I do not feel it is mine, yet. It is all dirty and disheveled and still being worked on. I feel that I have a weird relationship with my landlord, Dan. I am having horrible cramps currently and have been all morning. I couldn't sleep last night on account of this and the scary dreams. I miss Tooter. I wish she was still here. This house is so big. I want to feel safe in it. I will do affirmations. I am perfectly healthy and completely safe in this house. This is where I belong. I will eventually feel good being here. I think I will watch some wonder years and take a load off. I am lucky to get such a good deal and to have a devoted landlord who comes over and works on the house every single day.